Lasting happiness...

It takes some time to develop a very real sense of what makes us happy.  You know... real, lasting happiness.  The kind that reaches deep within one's soul and roots itself so snuggly within that the only resounding noise is, well--giggles and the little speckly sound (yes, I've heard it, don't argue with me) that glitter makes as it falls to the ground.  Yes! Oh... that makes me happy!

Okay, apparently... it's not been long enough for me.

Yep... there's another pity party thrown in there, but don't feel too badly for me because I'm about to make you feel a number of very particular ways:

a) ashamed--as in, I cannot be reading this
b) gross--she said that OUT LOUD!
c) oh, now this is my type of person

Anything other than those three is just craziness and will make absolutely no sense...afterall, there are only a small few of us that believe in the power of glitter throwing unicorns, right--at least to me, but who's really counting?!

As badly as things get for whatever reason... marriage, life, finances, turmoil, emotions, etc... there are a few things that never change-- (she shakes her head gloomily knowing what she's about to say must be the words of her inner wand-carrying, winged-glitter throwing-self) --love and its true sexual intimacy!

I can't help but thank God every single day that my one and only, my spouse and life partner is also the only man I've ever really been with.  Some see it as a disadvantage but I prefer to see it as... well, quite frankly, seeing that the oneness is on both our parts (I too was the only woman he'd ever been with), we've had over eleven years of marriage to learn what happy is!!  And I won't lie to any of you... it's being free to be yourself, your honest self--despite how it sounds, despite how others think it may sound, and accepting yourself as you.  You are powerful, wonderful, and more beautiful than any glitter-covered corndog I've ever seen.

In our own personal journey we've learned that no matter what is going on between us, no matter what is going on outside of us, despite any struggle one, the other, or even both of us is facing, there is a level of intimacy that can only be achieved when we truly love and care for the other person (selflessness).  It goes deeper than glitter, deeper than unicorns, and deeper than even my obsession with corndogs.  It's honesty.  It's completely giving.  It's sitting down and sharing your fears, your concerns, and your deepest emotions with your forever partner.

For me, this is not always easy.  Each of you knows how difficult I find it to be "just me".  I'm an emotional woman who cries when every fairy gets its wings... and well, around here that happens too often.  However, I choose to look at it another way... God made me in His own image.  There is purpose in my being... power in my expression...

...and in the end, doesn't honest and great communication just lead to really great sex.  See... told you that you would think, "did she really say that?"  Yes.  Yes, I did.  And what's wrong with really great sex?  Heck. Nothing.  It's like chocolate dipped corndogs... the best of both worlds!

So, to touch back on my post from a few days ago, my insightful moment came after having a rather lengthy talk with my special other.  While many options ran through my mind, the most favorable choice was to simply sit and share my troubles with the man whom I'm committed my life.  Craziness, right?  Who talks to their spouse these days?

This was my problem.  For so long I'd held in how I felt, what I feared, and the things that troubled me that I'd separated myself from my spouse.  I could no longer be the helpmeet he needed, and I no longer expected he could help me.  I created my very own alone by abandoning God's purpose for marriage.

And what is this purpose?  I cannot state it any more clearly than has already been stated, " Yes, marriage is God's arrangement for lifetime companionship and the arena for our sexual expression, but like with all that He has created, God uses marriage to direct us towards Himself. "

So... corndogs, unicorn, and glitter aside, I must remember that I am no longer *just me. I have been given this special person with whom I'm to share my life.  It is not just my spouse... it is also my God.  The ultimate goal is to bring me closer to Him.

I'm nuts

Well... I don't have much to say today.

Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you.

<3,

Where did you go?

I'm still here folks.  When I created this blog I wanted it to become an extension of me, a clear description of my life as it's occuring along with whatever insightful moment, or lack of, that I experience as a result.

A blog is a slow work... learning what to share, to what extent our personal lives will be posted for public view.  However, from the get go I've said I would be honest.  There is something to be learned from what happens in the lives of those we know and care for.

I once said all I needed was a good hug, ya know, with my feet dangling at his knees... but this isn't a funk.

I'm falling apart, literally.  I have been for months now.  Since our move to a new state, lonliness has overtaken me and my spirit.  I busy myself to the point of exhaustion (homeschool, house chores, meals, two and three-a-days)... after all, busy hands are happy hands, right?  Yes, until that very moment that all is still and you are alone--left alone to face yourself, to hear your thoughts.  At that very moment every ounce of negative selftalk you've avoided comes rushing in.  Before I know it, I find myself trembling with fear, crying, and the very worst, alone.

In the best of his own way, C has told me to make friends.  He doesn't want to be the only "thing" I look forward to at the end of the day.  He described in loose detail why he "doesn't miss me" when he's gone and that was followed with how my missing him is "excessive." 

My marriage hasn't been the blessing it should be.  Don't get the idea that I'm married to an ogre... that's definitely not the case.  He sacrifices much to see that our financial needs are met each and everyday.  Perhaps in his own way he is unhappy, too.  There is something deep going on within my family.

I've always believed that my purpose in life is to raise my children to be great, God-fearing people who love the Lord and learn to love others as passionately as the Lord calls us to.  I'm not a "Let's go party tonight-type of gal" and to move toward that is unnatural.  I've always imagined myself (since leaving my job teaching public school) as the happy homemaker.  I gladly raise my children, teach my children, care for my home, care for my husband, and see to the needs of those here.  Our lives should be a living testament...

...right?

then why, with all my trying, with all my prayers, with all my tears,

why am I still failing?

Why am I sitting here alone?

I have to believe that I am someone worth dying for... because, someone has already died for me.  That's my value.

I've spent much time in prayer trying to decide how our lives should improve and what road should be left untraveled and what road must eventually be ventured down.

I don't know what to do.  Not knowing is not an answer I'm happy living with.  I trust that I've turned it over to the Lord, but I simply don't know what to do.  How do I continue?  I want to please everyone, I want to be the source of the smiles on my families faces... however, I feel like it's coming at a price for which I cannot afford.

I'm still waiting for my grand insightful moment with this one.  The light at the end of the blog post.


I hope you all have an amazing weekend, and I will do my utmost best to not leave you hanging as my life interwines with each of you.

I love you!

Hi, my name is Bonkers...

and yes, I understand that ME time is just crazy talk

Counting them one by one...

When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings, name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord hath done.

With my feet dangling at his knees...

I would like to think that I'm not the only crazy person in this world.  I know, I'm taking a leap here.  I would also like to think that I'm not the only woman that gets moody for reasons even I can't put my finger on.  I start the day off great... all grins and a joyful heart as I do my chores, prepare breakfast, and go about our regular daily tasks.  Then quite suddenly (I do mean, quite suddenly) I find myself in some strange place where what I say and think don't really match up.  I'm in a [drum roll, please] MOOD, around here we call it, "THE MOOD".  The very word makes Big C cringe.  I can guarantee, nothing bewilders this stout beast of a man more than when I utter those words to him.  I'll even bet that if I said that single word over the phone, there would inevitably be some major catastrophe at work that required his presence until such a time as THE MOOD was better.

It's odd crazy.

So... here's a "sample" scenario of said MOOD:

Big C comes home, and yep, he usually gets to work on work on our beautiful red sofa... quite a crazy concept to come home from work to keep on working... especially on a red sofa.  Alas, that is my life.  Or, let's say he doesn't get to work and he does... say, anything else (at times, I do wonder what it would be like if he were a recliner 'mote-clicker kinda man). 

Eventually, he notices I'm all clammed up, not saying much, not smiling, and certainly not the happy go-lucky lady he left at home that morning.  Quite innocently he asks, "Is everything okay?  Did I do something to make you angry?"

My very simple and straight to the point answer is, "No."  Afterall, I am completely aware that I don't understand why I'm in a funk, so there's really no point in trying to explain it to him.  I'll even bet a happy meal that most men wouldn't understand why I don't understand how I'm feeling and if I don't understand how I feel, why am I feeling moody?  See the predicament... I just don't understand.

That's the situation as it occurs.  However, seeing that we've been together for almost half of our lives, Big C has learned to adapt to THE MOOD.  It's taken great pains on his part as the trial and error wasn't always easy.  So how does he deal with it?  Well, he scoops me up in his arms for a long hug (it's always best when my feet are dangling at his knees) and when he sets me back down he takes my hand and begins dancing with me.  At this point the children come running after hearing all my giggles and insist that this private dance become a family dance.  Quite simply, it's the cureall for THE MOOD. 

So, my personal lesson for myself, since the situation described occured this very day not six hours ago... if I'm in THE MOOD and I find myself wondering why me, why again, why do I feel this way?  I'm going to stop what I'm doing, find Big C and my littles, get a big huge hug, and dance a little.

I can't explain the crazy away.  I certainly can't figure out THE MOOD... but I can combat the crazy with giggles and love.  And, it's even better when my feet are dangling at his knees.

Cinderella needs a rewrite

I just keep thinking, why on earth must I suffer for the blatant lies that were drilled into my way of thinking as a child?  I shouldn't have to suffer.  That's - just - it.  It's not my fault... not by a long shot!  Just wait though... you will soon understand who is to blame. 

As young girls we are flooded with glorious images of princesses in fancy ball gowns.  Their hair is always perfect, immaculate, they sing and flowers bloom, they pee on a weed in the middle of the woods and it suddenly becomes a sunflower.  They dance in the woods with owls and deer and countless other wild creatures (could you see me doing that? No. Someone would inevitably create that state institution I like to refer to just to lock my deer dancing butt up---who-who... yes, Miss Wife, you!).  You know the routine.

The best part of the whole unrealistic scene is the prince.  Oh yes, the prince.  He says very little, right?  And what he does say is like pure gold flowing from a public water fountain.  We all want some of that.  The prince and princess dance away into the sunset, into the dimming ballroom, or kissing from the back of a horse drawn carriage with a sign reading, "Just happily married." 

But you know what gets me most?  The whole, "and they lived happily ever" without so much as an effort or a quarrel or a battle or even hair pulling.  (okay, okay, we don't pull hair, but I'm all for new things).  Why do the fairy tales leave out the juicy details.  Blah, blah happy... blah, blah ever... blah, blah after.  Why does the story end there?  I think children, especially us baby girls (I'm referring to my child self here), would do well to know there's more to love and marriage than just happily ever after bliss.  A marriage with all bliss and no struggle makes for one unrealistic "made for TV" special.

So, excuse the happiness out of me when I get all angry and feel like I have been jipped.  This is not what I was led to believe that "happily ever after" would be.  I would go so far as to say, I sometimes feel like I'm in grade school and someone took all of my glitter and poured it out onto the floor.

Why can't they just make sequels to all these amazing fairy tales?  With a little more insight, I certainly wouldn't have spent countless years feeling like a failure... chasing the illustrated versions of happily ever after that never really exist like they do in animation.  Wondering what I was doing wrong and why I couldn't make my life what the fairy tales made it out to be.

Yeah, I obviously had some growing up to do.  So... what about my baby girl, my baby boy?  Well, perhaps I can help some by teaching them that all good things are made good as a result of hard work, patience, diligence, dedication, trust and empathy. 

Big C and I made a promise a few years ago that the word "end" and the word "divorce" did not exist for us.  We never considered it an option... but in the heat of a battle, those words have serious consequences and can go far to damage trust.  So, we decided to agree that sometimes, when you love someone like crazy and you admittedly understand that you are married to your polar opposite, you just have to accept that crazy will sometimes ensue and you just have to love each other anyway. 

The best part of my happily ever after... being able to fight like there's no tomorrow and knowing that tomorrow we will still love one another.  And guess what Cinderella, you didn't teach me that one!