Where did you go?

I'm still here folks.  When I created this blog I wanted it to become an extension of me, a clear description of my life as it's occuring along with whatever insightful moment, or lack of, that I experience as a result.

A blog is a slow work... learning what to share, to what extent our personal lives will be posted for public view.  However, from the get go I've said I would be honest.  There is something to be learned from what happens in the lives of those we know and care for.

I once said all I needed was a good hug, ya know, with my feet dangling at his knees... but this isn't a funk.

I'm falling apart, literally.  I have been for months now.  Since our move to a new state, lonliness has overtaken me and my spirit.  I busy myself to the point of exhaustion (homeschool, house chores, meals, two and three-a-days)... after all, busy hands are happy hands, right?  Yes, until that very moment that all is still and you are alone--left alone to face yourself, to hear your thoughts.  At that very moment every ounce of negative selftalk you've avoided comes rushing in.  Before I know it, I find myself trembling with fear, crying, and the very worst, alone.

In the best of his own way, C has told me to make friends.  He doesn't want to be the only "thing" I look forward to at the end of the day.  He described in loose detail why he "doesn't miss me" when he's gone and that was followed with how my missing him is "excessive." 

My marriage hasn't been the blessing it should be.  Don't get the idea that I'm married to an ogre... that's definitely not the case.  He sacrifices much to see that our financial needs are met each and everyday.  Perhaps in his own way he is unhappy, too.  There is something deep going on within my family.

I've always believed that my purpose in life is to raise my children to be great, God-fearing people who love the Lord and learn to love others as passionately as the Lord calls us to.  I'm not a "Let's go party tonight-type of gal" and to move toward that is unnatural.  I've always imagined myself (since leaving my job teaching public school) as the happy homemaker.  I gladly raise my children, teach my children, care for my home, care for my husband, and see to the needs of those here.  Our lives should be a living testament...

...right?

then why, with all my trying, with all my prayers, with all my tears,

why am I still failing?

Why am I sitting here alone?

I have to believe that I am someone worth dying for... because, someone has already died for me.  That's my value.

I've spent much time in prayer trying to decide how our lives should improve and what road should be left untraveled and what road must eventually be ventured down.

I don't know what to do.  Not knowing is not an answer I'm happy living with.  I trust that I've turned it over to the Lord, but I simply don't know what to do.  How do I continue?  I want to please everyone, I want to be the source of the smiles on my families faces... however, I feel like it's coming at a price for which I cannot afford.

I'm still waiting for my grand insightful moment with this one.  The light at the end of the blog post.


I hope you all have an amazing weekend, and I will do my utmost best to not leave you hanging as my life interwines with each of you.

I love you!